Please just let me breathe

Please just let me breathe
Days will go by where I am fine, days where I do not cry or have an uncontrollable urge to huddle in a little heap and snarl at someone, days where I smile at the world and it's people, days where I feel comfortable.
But then, everything will change in an instant, the burning hole in my chest will burst open, raging, I suffocate, no matter how hard and how deep I try to breathe. The pain suck you in, no matter how hard you fight.
No matter how hard you prepare yourself against this feeling, it does not get better and it sure as hell does not get easier.
The pain of loosing someone is a deep, dark, devouring beast, always there, always lingering, and staring at you, readybto shred you to pieces when you least expect it...leaving you hurting, leaving you broken..
       
             
                      Nurul Sakila Ab Hajan's Blog
x

Cry Alone

Saat semua orang gembira, air mata menemani. saat semua orang meraih kemenagan, hati ini terpaksa menerima kegagalan. pesan pada hati 'Jangan give up" sambil seka air mata. di hadapan semua orang ku sedaya upaya meraih gembira ku gagahkan juga diri ini untuk mengukirkan senyuman. walau sakit tapi tetap meraih gembira :)
 Dalam kegembiraan, siapa tahu hati ini sedang terluka? siapa tahu hati ini tengah berdarah? siapa tahu hati ini menangis? dalam keadaan parah aku mampu berdoa kepada Nya sahaja semoga aku di permudahkan :) ketawa tidak mestinya seseorang itu gembira diapa tahu hatinya ? selain yang maha kuasa :)

  dalam kegelapan ku menangis semahunya ku sembunyikan kesedihan ini demi meraih kegembiraan ini, hati berdarah, luka paling dalam. sedalam dalam lautan pasifik. biar aku simpan luka ini. biarkan ia membengkak, biarkan ia berparut, biarkan darahnya keluar mengalir. Hanya mampu berdoa dan merintih kepadanya :) andai semua orang tahu perasaan ini. andai semua tahu betapa sakitnya, peritnyaa hati ini :'( aku pilih jalan ini, aku pilih takdir ini dan tiada siapa yang boleh mengubahnyaa selain diri ini. tapi bukan diri ini yang mengiginkan dan bukan pula hati ini yang mahukan. andai masa lalu boleh diulang dan di putar semula akan ku baiki dengan sempurna dan sesempurna kehidupan :)

                                Sekiann....

Dear past Nurul Sakila

Okay, I caved. I'm already doing an epilogue.

Reading this again, I learned a lot. I saw how I've changed. That's why I keep my journals and shit, so I can learn from them. Compared to where I once was, the place I am now is darker. A lot. Things back then were so much lighter, and I had no idea how good they were. It's a lesson in appreciating things, I suppose. Or not letting the bad things get you down so much.

I don't mean to say that you should appreciate the way things are now because in the future they are going to be so much worse. But in an open letter to my past self, this is what I am going to say.

Dear Past Nurul Sakila Kardashians, 
There are two categories of things in your current life. A few things that will change and a few things that won't. And there's no way to tell which things fall in which category. It's all tits up.

In a way that's also comforting. It's how life is. It's a big story with a lot of variables. You have to learn which things you can control and which things you can't, so you avoid either wasting time or becoming too fatalistic to function.

You will learn the demons in your head and you will name them. One will be bipolar disorder. One will be rape. One will be self-harming. One will be delusions. One will be alcoholism. One will be daddy issues. There are a few demons you have now that will fade away. And there are more to come. You will learn how to fight them in time.
                By Sakila_AbHajan